debor016

I have just returned from completing a Risking Connection® Train-the-Trainer training in Hawaii. I taught some great people who are going to be very good trainers and leaders in their agency. We were discussing imbedding discussions of VT within their agency. First we had a very interesting discussion of the role of culture in staff willingness and comfort with discussing VT. Cultural rules such as not sharing one’s feelings, trying not to stand out or be noticed at all, and never complaining are hard to overcome when trying to discuss the effects of the work on the person. As one person said: “Why should I squeak? I don’t see anyone else around here squeaking and they are all working as hard as I am. Better to just keep on going.” A therapist stated: “If the staff see the therapist being affected by the work, what are they going to do? As the therapist I am expected to be able to handle my emotions.” I believe that many of us have one form or another of these beliefs, and our agencies...

I was recently participating in a training at which we were discussing the function of cutting. One participant said: “We had a girl named Megan who was cutting to be manipulative. She was doing it to get discharged and go to a place like detention where she wouldn’t have to work on her issues.” What are the assumptions behind this statement? How does it differ from this statement? “Megan has been working on some difficult issues recently. This has brought up some painful feelings and she has begun cutting for relief. Sometimes she doesn’t even want to work on her issues and wishes she were in a place like detention where she wouldn’t be in treatment.” Same facts, different assumptions, leading us to different responses. Another place I visited I noticed how often staff made statements about how bad the children were. Examples are: “You’d better watch out putting that in your pocket. These kids will steal it from you in a minute.” “These kids don’t care what we say as long as they get ...

At a recent presentation I did for the MAAPS conference, a question from a participant and a response from my friend Bob Davis crystallized some thoughts I have been exploring about learning restorative tasks. The participant asked: “We have a girl who is constantly saying mean things about others. As a restorative task we had her do research on peace movements and on Martin Luther King. She does this well- but it doesn’t affect the behavior. She keeps doing it.” Let’s begin with the assumption that we are trying to create a response to a behavior that will decrease the likelihood of the behavior recurring. We must start by forming a theory about why the girl, let’s call her Kathleen, is saying mean things about others. What feelings is she having at those times? What need is she responding to? How is this behavior adaptive for her? Most likely Kathleen is feeling small and vulnerable, lonely and unloved. She has no sense of inner connection to others. She does not have any friends, is...

I would like to call your attention to a book I am reading. It is One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, a Marriage, and the Language of Healing by Diane Ackerman, (W. W. Norton & Company 2011). The author Diane Ackerman and her husband Paul West are both authors, and their marriage included much loving word play and exploration of literary connections. Sadly, Paul West, a retired English professor and the author of 50-plus books, survivor of diabetes and a pacemaker, was struck by a massive stroke that left "a small wasteland" in his brain, especially in the key language areas. At first he could not talk at all. The book chronicles the story of his recovery through their love, creative and imaginative word play, and the help of others. Ms. Ackerman, who had already written books about the brain, researched his disease and tailored a program for him that utilized his unique strengths and interests. The book is very moving and demonstrates the power of love to heal. Ms. Ac...